My Story (cont.)
Local hero

Hero for a day in 1979

Interestingly, the heavy drug use came only months after a time in my life when I was riding as high as I ever had before or have since.  During the summer between my freshman and sophomore years of college I was working for the city of Beloit Wisconsin, planting flowers and shrubs in the center islands of the downtown roads and sidewalks.  I had taken a break underneath a large parking structure that spanned the Rock River, at an area where the very wide, calm river narrowed to fast and deeper waters. As I stood in the shade of the parking structure I thought about what I would do if I saw someone drowning in the river; it had always been a fantasy of mine to do something heroic!  To my astonishment, shortly after having that thought I heard moaning coming from the river, steadily growing louder as I listened. Shaken by the coincidence, for a moment I wondered if I was going crazy.  But then I realized that something was fast-approaching in the current.  I couldn’t see details through the darkness under the parking structure, so I ran along the bank trying to determine what I was hearing. When I reached the end of the parking structure I squeezed out through a narrow opening in the concrete into the bright sunlight.  I ran across the road and looked over the railing at the river below, just as a woman emerged from the darkness floundering in the current. She was half submerged, rolling from face-down to face-up, wailing alternating with gurgling.  I ran to the nearest side of the river and then through the brush along the bank, peeling off my shoes and pants, and eventually jumping into the water and swimming out to her.  After a brief struggle I towed her to the riverbank, and a group of boys fishing on shore ran to call the police. I lay at the edge of the river with the semi-conscious woman, grateful to hear sirens approaching. Eventually photographers from the newspaper appeared and took pictures of me standing in a T-shirt with red bikini briefs (didn’t I say I had no fashion sense?!).  To make matters more interesting, the back of the wet, clinging T-shirt read ‘Locally owned bank’, and the front of the T-shirt read ‘Beloit’s Largest!’ For the rest of the summer I enjoyed my nickname. What a fantasy it was, to walk into bars and have the people yell out: “Hey! It’s Beloit’s Largest!!”
I am grateful that I was given the opportunity to be a hero.  There have been times in my life since then when I questioned my worth as a human being, and I could look back on that moment and recognize that on that day I did a good thing. I continue to see that incident as a gift from God, for the times when I had little else to feel proud of..
Getting serious
Near the end of my sophomore year of college I tired of the drug scene and stopped using substances without any conscious effort. But drug use was replaced by something else: the need for academic success. I finished college with excellent grades, and enrolled in the Center for Brain Research at the University of Rochester in upstate New York.  After doing well there for two years I was accepted into the prestigious Medical Scientist Training Program.  I graduated with a PhD in Neuroscience, and two years later graduated from medical school with honors. I published my research in the scientific literature, something that results in requests for reprints from research centers around the world. My ego was flying high at that time, but I continued to struggle socially; for example I entered lecture halls from the back, believing that I stood out from my classmates in an obvious and negative way. I had only two or three close friends throughout all of those years of medical school.  My loneliness and longing to fit in was quite painful during those years, and is still painful to look back upon today.
Our son Jonathon was born during my last year of medical school. His birth and early years changed me in wonderful, unexpected ways.  His birth divided the lives and relationship of me and my wife, Nancy, into two parts: the meaningless part before and the meaningful part after.  After medical school I entered residency at the Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania, at the time one of the most prestigious anesthesia programs in the country.  Our young family moved to a suburb of Philadelphia, and each morning I drove alongside the Schuykill River, the Philly skyline in view, feeling at least initially that I had really ‘made it’.   But over the next few years my interests changed from wanting an academic position at an Ivy League institution to wanting to move back to Wisconsin, make some money, buy a house, and raise a family.
Our daughter Laura was born during the last year of anesthesia residency and again, the joy of gazing into her eyes made me resent my time away from home.  At the end of my residency I took a job in Fond du Lac Wisconsin, the small town where I continue to live today.


gabagool · April 12, 2012 at 1:59 pm

I found this site through a suboxone tapering site who is a big fan of yours. I can see why. I am just starting to devour this site, hoping I can get past all the “facts” about bupe and get to the real heart of what is what. IF i should get off, IF I should stay on for the rest of my life, why and why not, etc, etc, etc.
But, my first post HAS to be one commenting on your brains. You EXCELLED regardless of HOW you were running your life. You MAY have dropped a BIT, but you got ABOVE HIGH MARKS if you were doing drugs or not. You got TOP OF THE TOP marks IF you felt you were worthy of being called a human being or not. WHATEVER you were doing in life, you excelled academically. Makes it EASIER for me to BELIEVE what you write………………..however, why does that fact make YOUR kicking the habit seem an act only possible for someone with, lets face it, mental skills (and whatever else that entails in ones psychology)on the top one half of 1/100th of mankind…….Its almost as if I see you as a drug addict IN SPITE of who you are, while I am BECAUSE of who I am….and thats a hell of a lot different….to me, at least.
Well, back to learning about you and hopefully, me.

gabagool · April 12, 2012 at 2:04 pm…..this lonliness you felt, this….STANDING out from your fellow students, not fitting in…….I know EXACTLY how you felt…and I mean EXACTLY….with me, it was my hair….I had started losing it early in high school, by college I was a psychological MESS, AND I MEAN MESS.
Wore a baseball cap………………EVERYWHERE.

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