Suboxone and the Disease Concept of Addiction: The Movie

gaulois · March 25, 2009 at 7:43 pm

Dear Dr. Junig (Suboxdoc),
I am very very grateful that I have found your site. It is a miracle. I have been struggling with Suboxone for almost 3 yrs now. To be brief: at 16 I took my first percodan (at the time oxy was combined w/asperin and the most common form). 15min after I took the percs all my insecurities, lack of emotional energy, fear, anxiety etc melted away into a warm feeling that came over me. Total and absolute comfort and self confidence. I had an incredible amount of energy, almost like a Bipolar type of upswing. To sum it up- all the other drugs: alcohol, pot, barbs, dexies, qualudes, were no comparison to this Opiate dream drug- a key that unlocked the door to feeling complete and having abundant amounts of energy. At that time in life I was not addicted. I only used when someone had a few. Later I became addicted:
Sadly, for the last 34 (I am now 50) years I have played the exhausting game of getting off of dope, going through withdrawal. Going on again for a month or so, stopping, withdrawal and so on. I have done every opiate that exists I am pretty sure, but IVHeroin was by far THE opiate. Thankfully it scared me so much that I only did it for 4 months along with 80 mgs of Methadone/day after being on dope for 2 months. At 33 yrs old (1993) I checked into treatment for the H and Meth. I made it through the worst withdrawal of my life that lasted for about 2 months. I stayed sober for a while after that, and only dipped and dabbed. In early 2001 I moved to Maine with 8 months Sobriety and at the same time I was in the process getting a divorce and fighting to keep my kids. For some reason I did not turn to opiates or alcohol. I got very involved with AA, a good therapist, and spiritual growth through AA and outside AA. I stayed fully clean for about 5 years. These were the 5 best years of my life. I suffered and went through the grief of the divorce, but at the same time this suffering led to extremely intense spiritual experiences. I could truly understand what people talked about at AA and NA meetings when they talked about spiritual experiences. I felt Joy, not necessarily “happiness” although there were happy moments.
Then I had to return to Miami in 2006 for both daughter’s sake, and my mother who is very old and needed more help. The reason that I mention this is that prior to leaving Maine, I had already reduced going to meetings if going at all. This and the stress started mounting radically after getting back to Miami. Unbelievably, I spent no time preparing a path of rcovery ahead of me in Miami.Within about 2 weeks of arriving in Miami I was taking whatever opiates I could find. Darvocette, then oxys and I even I found Duragesic- fentanyl patches….. a decent into hell like only an opiate user could understand.
Having tasted total freedom and spirtual and emotional joy, and gone through pain without the use of drugs, here I was addicted again. Because of the nature of my work I could not go on Methadone, but I had to be stablized. I heard about Suboxone in the Summer of 2006. I found a Doctor and he started me on it. He is an “addiction specialist” but Im not so sure he truly understands the nature of the cunning addict.
Just recently I went into treatment at South Miami Hospital ATP to get of of the Sub and Benzos. To make a long story short (I was also being removed from benzos) I started having neurological problems. Weird muscle coordination when I would wake up in the am. My leg would go rubbery and did not seem to work properly for about 5 minutes, and then it would improve throughout the day. I also had vertigo. The fatigue I understood. But this was 4 weeks after my last dose of 2mg. Suboxone. I went back on a smeall dose (1mg Lorazepam) of the benzos. One day I was really scared and found a tiny peice of suboxone in my drawer. I was so tired of feeling so weak and crappy that I took the little peice (less than 1 mg) and let it melt under my tongue not expecting much. Sure enough an hour later or so I started feeling very good. I was amazed. Of course Suboxone only gives you the buzz the first time. Since I have been back on a maintenance dossage of 4mg/day.
I understand that for very hopeless cases of Heroin users that will be on for life, and that certain concerns about not wanting to go out in the woods or the water is not a huge concern. But now I am truly scared. I never had weird w/d symptoms from an opiate. The closest w/d that resembled this was from Tramadol (Ultram). This also gave me the weird neurological stuff.
I had a CT scan and the specialist did not find anything in my brain that indicated a major problem such as an aneurism or tumor or circulatory issues.
I have some bad side effects from Suboxone. I rapidly (w/in 4 months of the first time I went on Sub) lost my gusto for life. I used to be a total fanatic of the ocean and water, but now my skin feels weird from water and I no longer swim- which for me is like a fish not swimming. I dont feel like going outdoors because the sun bothers me as well. Physical activity is a chore.
Libido is all but non existent. Digestive issues of the lower GI seem to stop up my system and I gain weight. I wonder if some of the gain is not water retention because as soon as I start Sub I get puffy.
I had a heart attack in 2007 because I had stopped my very active outdoor activity life of swimming and hiking, and there were other issues not related to Suboxone- high colesterol, hypertension, stress, and a general state of anxiety that Suboxone either not help with or even may aggravate – I become vaguely agorophobic.
Now that I am back on Suboxone (about 3 weeks) after having been off of it for about 4 weeks, I feel like I am slipping back into this sort of non-existence where I function reasonably well at work, take care of all my responsibilities but dislike my life. I’m very sad and pessimistic about things to be honest.
So your site has given me some hope on understanding this med better and determining what the best course of action would be for me.
I dont know how much you check your responses but my email is riveternite@yahoo.fr (NOT .com) if you feel like you might be able to offer some advice or just that you got my message.
Thank you for all your hard work.
Daniel