Addiction Treatment Has it ALL WRONG

Today on SuboxForum members discussed how long they have been treated with buprenorphine medications.  Most agreed that buprenorphine turned their lives around, and most are afraid they will eventually be pushed off the medication.  Most buprenorphine patients described a reprieve from a horrible illness when they discovered buprenorphine.  But most have new fears that they never anticipated– that their physician will die or retire, that politicians will place arbitrary limits on buprenorphine treatment, or that insurers will limit coverage for the medication that saved there lives.
I joined the discussion with the following comment:
I give lectures now and then about ‘Addiction, the Medical Illness.’  Once a person thinks through the topic several times with an open mind, the right approach to treating addiction becomes obvious.    After all, doctors ‘manage’ all illnesses save for a few bacterial diseases, and even those will become at best ‘managed’, as greater resistance develops in most bacteria.  We doctors rarely cure illnesses.  We manage illness.
The public’s attitudes toward treating addiction differ from treatments for other diseases.  Avoiding effective medications isn’t  a goal for other illnesses.  In fact, in most cases doctors refer to skipping medication negatively, as ‘noncompliance.’  There are religious orders that don’t believe in medication including Christian Scientists… and there are religions with specific beliefs, e.g. Scientology, that don’t believe in psychiatry, or Jehovah’s Witnesses who don’t accept blood products. I assume that attitudes toward addiction developed over the years when no medical treatments effectively treated addiction.  Doctors and laypersons came to see addiction as untreatable, and the only survivors people who found their rock bottom and in rare cases, saved themselves.  And since nobody could fix addiction, and the only chance at life was to find ‘recovery’, a nebulous concept based on spirituality, adherence to a group identity, and correction of ‘personality defects.’
What an obnoxious attitude– that people with addictions have ‘personality defects’!  Even most of the docs and therapists who ‘get it’ about medication insist that no patient will heal until we ‘fix the underlying cause of his/her addiction’.  What a bunch of crap…  as if all of those people out there WITHOUT addictions have GOOD personalities, and all of those people who got stuck on opioids (mostly because of bad doctors by the way) have BAD personalities.  I call BULL!  Opioids are powerfully-addictive substances, and a percentage of people  exposed to them, regardless of character, become addicted.  My personality was apparently good enough to get a PhD, get married, save a drowning woman, have a family, go to medical school and graduate at the top of my class with multiple honors, become an anesthesiologist and get elected president of my anesthesia group an unprecedented 3 times.  But taking cough medicine that grew into an addiction to fentanyl means I have ‘personality defects’??!!
I’m sure everyone has his/her own story.  But we’ve all heard so often that we have some broken screw at the base of our brains that we’ve started believing it.  And the mistreatment by doctors and pharmacists (and reporters and media and society in general) perpetuates that shame among all of us.
The truth is that our ADDICTIONS caused us to do things that were wrong.  We developed an intense desire to find chemicals because of the activation of addictive centers in our brains.  And THAT caused our ‘character’ problems.
I’ve written before about the ‘dynamic nature of character defects’.  Search my name and that term, and you will find the comments- or just click here.  The character problems so obvious in using addicts are driven by the obsession to find and use opioids.  When you treat that obsession with buprenorphine, those ‘character defects’ disappear.  I’ve seen the process unfold over and over, in patient after patient.  Some doctors perpetuate character problems by treating patients like criminals, and ANY person will develop character problems if treated poorly long enough.  In that way, the defects can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The character defect argument is the whole reason for counseling.  But get this– there have been several studies that looked at abstinence after discontinuation of buprenorphine after one year, with or without counseling.   And the counseling group did WORSE in those studies!  Of course, everyone interprets those studies by saying that ‘the counseling must not have been done right’ or it was not intense enough, rather than accept the data with an open mind, as any good scientist would.
Vivitrol (i.e. depot injections of naltrexone) are the biggest example of treatment based on flawed ideology.  The treatment rests on the idea that if we block receptors and counsel the heck out of people, we can fix their character defects and their addictions so they won’t use when Vivitrol is removed.  The travesty is that nobody will look at the results of this vast experiment, mostly played out in drug courts.  When you think about it, we have a long history of experimenting on people caught in the criminal justice system.  Studies in Australia showed a 12-fold higher death rate in addicts maintained on naltrexone and ‘counseled’ compared to people maintained on methadone.   When the people forced onto Vivitrol by the legal system start to die, will anyone keep track?
Deaths after residential treatment are common, but nobody keeps track of them.  So I’m not holding my breath for outcome data from the failures of drug courts!
Every serious chronic illness warrants chronic medical treatment, save one.   All healthcare professionals will say, some reluctantly, that addiction is a disease.   It is time to start TREATING IT LIKE ONE.

Kratom, Recovery, Elections

I received a question about Kratom, and searched for a earlier post about that plant/substance. That post came shortly after Obama’s inauguration, after someone wrote to compare his experience at that event to his experience taking opioids. Funny how every ‘high’ has its own ‘morning after!’
That Post:
On a message board called ‘opiophile’, a person wrote about being a long-term opiate addict, then taking methadone for a couple of years, then going on Suboxone for a couple of years. He eventually stopped Suboxone, and had a miserable period of withdrawal… which never, by his recollection, ever totally went away. He works for the Democratic Party (not secret info– it was in his post) and eventually used opiate agonists again (hydrocodone and oxycodone)… during his time in DC for the Obama inauguration. He described how wonderful he felt, experiencing the opiate sensations while at the same time ‘being part of history’.
He returned to normal, boring, miserable life… until discovering a source for ‘Kratom’. Kratom is a plant imported from Thailand that has opiate and other effects; like many other ‘exotics’ it has not yet been scheduled as illegal by the DEA. My understanding is that it is hard to find in pure form, and is expensive… there is also the risk of ingesting something (maybe toxic) that was substituted for what you think you are using.
In his post, the person asked if he is ‘clean’– whatever that means. I don’t mean to be difficult here– I just mean that being ‘clean’ is different to different people. Some people consider themselves ‘clean’ as long as they avoid their ‘drug of choice’…. the use of marijuana not a concern as long as they are depriving themselves of the Oxycontin that they REALLY want! I don’t agree with that definition, but I can see the point of at least avoiding the things that are the most likely to cause problems.
He also asked if he was running the risk of returning to the same problems that have been a part of his life for many years. I think the answer to that question is obvious to everyone reading this blog! As for my other thoughts, I copied them below.
My Reply:
Kratom contains chemicals that includes mu receptor agonists– the chemicals do not show up (yet) in drug screens, but taking them is no different from activating mu receptors with anything else, legal or illegal. And the fact that Kratom is a plant should not make you think it is somehow ‘different’; if the chemicals in Kratom prove safe enough, they will eventually be extracted, identified, manufactured, and marketed in pill form– and will likely be DEA scheduled at that point.
Please read my article on the relationship between Suboxone and traditional recovery. I am aware of the anger some people have toward buprenorphine, but I think your case is the best argument for Suboxone that one can make.
You have had this endless malaise off opiates, and you seem to blame Suboxone (or if you don’t, I know that many people do– they use opiates for years, then go on Suboxone, then when they stop Suboxone they blame it for endless withdrawal symptoms). But the brain doesn’t work like that; tolerance occurs from agonist or partial agonist stimulation of a receptor, and the tolerance is reversible– at least on the ‘neuronal’ level. There is no reason that one drug, say buprenorphine, would cause a more ‘permanent’ state of tolerance than another drug.
I HAVE seen people with an almost permanent state of opiate withdrawal; I have not seen this so much in relation to specific drugs, as to their degree of ‘addiction’. Listening to your experience with opiates, one thing is clear– opiates are a huge part of your life. Even watching your dream candidate be inaugurated is not ‘enough’ of a kick in life; you wanted more. In fact, by your description, I don’t know which would have been a bigger bummer– seeing someone else getting into the Presidency or being deprived of that ‘buzz’! I’m not taking ‘pot shots’ here–I’m trying to add some insight, and I hope you take it as intended. The ‘person’ that you have become… PERHAPS that person just cannot exist without some level of mu receptor activation. Perhaps that whole ‘psyche’ requires the pleasant warm fogginess of an opiate– and without that, the psyche is miserable. If that is the case, of course you will be miserable off opiates— whether the missing opiates are heroin, methadone, Kratom, or Suboxone. The problem is that at least with the first three of these agents, there is no way to take them without ever-increasing tolerance, which eventually leads to cravings, compulsive use, and greater misery.
We know without a doubt that SOME addicts do recover, most often by using a 12 step program. How do THEY do it? I see the answer as consistent with the idea of a ‘psyche’ that needs opiates vs one that doesn’t need opiates. People who ‘get’ the 12 step programs can live without opiates because they have become completely different people. Treating addiction, we know that a person who simply sees the treatment as ‘education’ is not going to do well; people really need to change who they ARE– completely!
To put it into math form: Person ‘A’ plus opiates = an intact person; Person ‘A’ minus opiates = a miserable person; Person ‘A’ + NA = Person ‘B’ = an intact person. Maybe this last bit was a bit over the top… but hopefully you see my point.
I realize that some people will just never ‘get’ NA or AA; the question is, can those people ever be happy without exogenous opiates? I should add that there are other recovery programs out there that do, or intend to do, something like AA and NA, without the religious dimension– I am including them in the same way as AA and NA, although I don’t know as much about them. But knowing what I know about addiction and recovery, I doubt ANY program will make an addict ‘intact’ through education alone; in all cases I would expect the need for that person to change in a significant way.
In my opinion, the answer to the question is ‘no’– that a using addict, minus the object of use, without personality change, will always be miserable. Enter Suboxone… or more accurately, buprenorphine… and there now is a fourth option besides ‘sober recovery’, using (and misery), and ‘dry misery’. Buprenorphine provides a way to occupy mu receptors at a static level of tolerance, therefore preventing the misery that comes with chronic active addiction. And it allows a person to feel ‘intact’ without the need to change to a different person.
Buprenorphine fits well with the ‘disease model’ of addiction; the idea that an addict needs chronic medical treatment, and that if the treatment ceases, the addiction becomes uncontrolled, resulting in either active use or in your case, miserable ‘sobriety’. As for those who are ‘purists’– who think that every addict needs to get off everything and live by the 12 steps– I am glad that works for you, and others likely will envy you. But note that many, if not MOST, opiate addicts in recovery will relapse at some point in life– maybe multiple times. Recovery programs are not ‘permanent’; they need ongoing attention and activity, or they tend to wear off. There is no ‘cure’ for addiction; we ‘maintain’ addicts either through recovery programs, or now, through medication.
One last comment– I do know a person who was stable on Kratom for several years until suddenly going into status epilepticus with grand mal seizures over breakfast one day, in front of his wife and children. An extended work-up showed damage to multiple organ systems that seem to now be getting better after a couple of years. The studies never determined whether the organ damage came from the Kratom itself, or from some additive or pesticide used in Thailand. Use foreign substances at your own (substantial) risk!
JJ
Suboxone Talk Zone (dot com)

Buprenorphine and the Dynamic Nature of Character Defects

Sorry about the re-run—I wrote this several years ago, and I still agree with the concept of ‘dynamic character defects.’ As I read it now, I recognize how things have changed; buprenorphine (Suboxone) has been incorporated into many of the major treatment centers, and even the smallest programs have at least become familiar with the medication.
There still exist some programs where the staff remain ‘anti-Suboxone’, but those places are becoming the exception, and are essentially marginalizing themselves out of the treatment industry.
You may note that I had an attitude of cooperation when I wrote this post, years ago. I suggested that those who prescribe buprenorphine work WITH those treatment centers that were ‘anti-Suboxone;’ that they recognize each others’ strengths. Since then I’ve known several people who were taken in by the anti-sub treatment community, and who eventually died– all the time believing that they were failures at finding sobriety. The shame is not theirs; the shame belongs to those who tricked them, and kept them from the medication that would have saved their lives.
To those treatment centers that do not offer buprenorphine, and that employ counselors who fret about their own jobs to the point of keeping people away from buprenorphine, SHAME ON YOU. Your treatment centers WILL close. And given the high death rate of opioid dependence, I am glad to have such self-centered charlatans out of the industry. Each closing is one less place for people to waste money–while searching for real treatment.
Where was I? Oh yes—my old post about buprenorphine and character defects. This post gets to the issue of the ‘dry drunk’, and why I don’t see that happening with buprenorphine. The post also has implications for the discussion of whether counseling should be a part of EVERY buprenorphine prescription. As always, thanks for reading what I have to say…
I initially had mixed feelings about Suboxone, my opinion likely influenced by my own experiences as an addict in traditional recovery. But my opinion has changed over the years, because of what I have seen and heard while treating well over 400 patients with buprenorphine in my clinical practice. At the same time, I acknowledge that while Suboxone has opened a new frontier of treatment for opioid addiction, arguments over the use of Suboxone often split the recovering and treatment communities along opposing battle lines. The arguments are often fueled by petty notions of ‘whose recovery is more authentic’, and miss the important point that buprenorphine and Suboxone can have huge beneficial effects on the lives of opioid addicts.
The active ingredient in Suboxone is buprenorphine, a partial agonist at the mu opioid receptor. Suboxone contains naloxone to prevent intravenous use; another form of the medication, Subutex, consists of buprenorphine without naloxone. In this article I will use the name ‘Suboxone’ because of the common reference to the drug, but in all cases I am referring to the use and actions of buprenorphine in either form. The unique effects of buprenorphine can be attributed to the drug’s unique molecular properties. First, the partial agonist effect at the receptor level results in a ‘ceiling effect’ to dosing after about 4 mg, so that increased dosing does not result in increased opioid effect beyond that dose. Second, the high binding affinity and partial agonist effect cause the elimination of drug cravings, dispelling the destructive obsession with use that destroys the personality of the user. Third, the high protein binding and long half-life of buprenorphine allows once per day dosing, allowing the addict to break the conditioned pattern of withdrawal (stimulus)-use (response) – relief (reward) which is the backbone of addictive behavior. Fourth, the partial agonist effect and long half life cause rapid tolerance to the drug, allowing the patient to feel ‘normal’ within a few days of starting treatment. Finally, the withdrawal from buprenorphine provides a disincentive to stop taking the drug, and so the drug is always there to assure the person that any attempt to get high would be futile, dispelling any lingering thoughts about using an opioid.
At the present time there are significant differences between the treatment approaches of those who use Suboxone versus those who use a non-medicated 12-step-based approach. People who stay sober with the help of AA, NA, or CA, as well as those who treat by this approach tend to look down on patients taking Suboxone as having an ’inferior’ form of recovery, or no recovery at all. This leaves Suboxone patients to go to Narcotics Anonymous and hide their use of Suboxone. On one hand, good boundaries include the right to keeping one’s private medical information so one’s self. But on the other hand, a general recovery principle is that ’secrets keep us sick’, and hiding the use of Suboxone is a bit at odds with the idea of ’rigorous honesty’. People new to recovery also struggle with low self esteem before they learn to overcome the shame society places on ‘drug addicts’; they are not in a good position to deal with even more shame coming from other addicts themselves!
An ideal program will combine the benefits of 12-step programs with the benefits of the use of Suboxone. The time for such an approach is at hand, as it is likely that more and more medications will be brought forward for treatment of addiction now that Suboxone has proved profitable. If we already had excellent treatments for opioid addiction there would be less need for the two treatment approaches to learn to live with each other. But the sad fact is that opioid addiction remains stubbornly difficult to treat by traditional methods. Success rates for long-term sobriety are lower for opioids than for other substances. This may be because the ‘high’ from opioid use is different from the effects of other substances—users of cocaine, methamphetamine, and alcohol take the substances to feel up, loose, or energetic—ready to go out and take on the town. The ‘high’ of opioid use feels content and ‘normal’— users feel at home, as if they are getting back a part of themselves that was always missing. The experience of using rapidly becomes a part of who the person IS, rather than something the patient DOES. The term ‘denial’ fits nobody better than the active opioid user, particularly when seen as the mnemonic: Don’t Even Notice I Am Lying.
The challenges for practitioners lie at the juncture between traditional recovery and the use of medication, in finding ways to bring the recovering community together to use all available tools in the struggle against active opioid addiction.
Suboxone has given us a new paradigm for treatment which I refer to as the ‘remission model’. This model takes into account that addiction is a dynamic process— far more dynamic than previously assumed. To explain, the traditional view from recovery circles is that the addict has a number of character defects that were either present before the addiction started, or that grew out of addictive behavior over time. Opioid addicts have a number of such defects. The dishonesty that occurs during active opioid addiction, for example, far surpasses similar defects from other substances, in my opinion. Other defects are common to all substance users; the addict represses awareness of his/her trapped condition and creates an artificial ‘self’ that comes off as cocky and self-assured, when deep inside the addict is frightened and lonely. The obsession with using takes more and more energy and time, pushing aside interests in family, self-care, and career. The addict becomes more and more self-centered, and the opioid addict often becomes very ‘somatic’, convinced that every uncomfortable feeling is an unbearable component of withdrawal. The opioid addict becomes obsessed with comfort, avoiding activities that cause one to perspire or exert one’s self. The active addict learns to blame others for his/her own misery, and eventually his irritability results in loss of jobs and relationships.
The traditional view holds that these character defects do not simply go away when the addict stops using. People in AA know that simply remaining sober will cause a ‘dry drunk’—a nondrinker with all of the alcoholic character defects– when there is no active recovery program in place. I had such an expectation when I first began treating opioid addicts with Suboxone—that without involvement in a 12-step group the person would remain just as miserable and dishonest as the active user. I realize now that I was making the assumption that character defects were relatively static—that they develop slowly over time, and so could only be removed through a great deal of time and hard work. The most surprising part of my experience in treating people with Suboxone has been that the defects in fact are not ‘static’, but rather they are quite dynamic. I have come to believe that the difference between Suboxone treatment and a patient in a ‘dry drunk’ is that the Suboxone-treated patient has been freed from the obsession to use. A patient in a ‘dry drunk’ is not drinking, but in the absence of a recovery program they continue to suffer the conscious and unconscious obsession with drinking. People in AA will often say that it isn’t the alcohol that is the problem; it is the ‘ism’ that causes the damage. Such is the case with opioids as well—the opioid is not the issue, but rather it is the obsession with opioids that causes the misery and despair. With this in mind, I now view character defects as features that develop in response to the obsession to use a substance. When the obsession is removed the character defects will go way, whether slowly, through working the 12 steps, or rapidly, by the remission of addiction with Suboxone.
In traditional step-based treatment the addict is in a constant battle with the obsession to use. Some addicts will have rapid relief from their obsession when they suddenly experience a ‘shift of thinking’ that allows them to see their powerlessness with their drug of choice. For other addicts the new thought requires a great deal of addition-induced misery before their mind opens in response to a ‘rock bottom’. But whether fast or slow, the shift of thinking is effective because the new thought approaches addiction where it lives—in the brain’s limbic system. The ineffectiveness of higher-order thinking has been proven by addicts many times over, as they make promises over pictures of their loved ones or try to summon the will power to stay clean. While these approaches almost always fail, the addict will find success in surrender and recognition of the futility of the struggle. The successful addict will view the substance with fear—a primitive emotion from the old brain. When the substance is viewed as a poison that will always lead to misery and death, the obsession to use will be lifted. Unfortunately it is man’s nature to strive for power, and over time the recognition of powerlessness will fade. For that reason, addicts must continue to attend meetings where newcomers arrive with stories of misery and pain, which reinforce and remind addicts of their powerlessness.
My experiences with Suboxone have challenged my old perceptions, and led me to believe that the character defects of addiction are much more dynamic. Suboxone removes the obsession to use almost immediately. The addict does not then enter into a ‘dry drunk’, but instead the absence of the obsession to use allows the return of positive character traits that had been pushed aside. The elimination of negative character traits does not always require rigorous step work— in many cases the negative traits simply disappear as the obsession to use is relieved. I base this opinion on my experiences with scores of Suboxone patients, and more importantly with the spouses, parents, and children of Suboxone patients. I have seen multiple instances of improved communication and new-found humility. I have heard families talk about ‘having dad back’, and husbands talk about getting back the women they married. I sometimes miss my old days as an anesthesiologist placing labor epidurals, as the patients were so grateful—and so I am happy to have found Suboxone treatment, for it is one of the rare areas in psychiatry where patients quickly get better and express gratitude for their care.
A natural question is why character defects would simply disappear when the obsession to use is lifted? Why wouldn’t it require a great deal of work? The answer, I believe, is because the character defects are not the natural personality state of the addict, but rather are traits that are produced by the obsession, and dynamically maintained by the obsession.
Once the dynamic relationship between use obsession and character defects is understood, the proper relationship between Suboxone and traditional recovery becomes clear. Should people taking Suboxone attend NA or AA? Yes, if they want to. A 12-step program has much to offer an addict, or anyone for that matter. But I see little use in forced or coerced attendance at meetings. The recovery message requires a level of acceptance that comes about during desperate times, and people on Suboxone do not feel desperate. In fact, people on Suboxone often report that ‘they feel normal for the first time in their lives’. A person in this state of mind is not going to do the difficult personal inventories of AA unless otherwise motivated by his/her own internal desire to change.
The role of ‘desperation’ should be addressed at this time: In traditional treatment desperation is the most important prerequisite to making progress, as it takes the desperation of being at ‘rock bottom’ to open the mind to see one’s powerlessness. But when recovery from addiction is viewed through the remission model, the lack of desperation is a good thing, as it allows the reinstatement of the addict’s own positive character. Such a view is consistent with the ‘hierarchy of needs’ put forward by Abraham Maslow in 1943; there can be little interest in higher order traits when one is fighting for one’s life.
Here are a few common questions (and answers) about Suboxone and Recovery:
-Should Suboxone patients be in a recovery group?
I have reservations about forced attendance, as I question the value of any therapy where the patient is not an eager and voluntary participant. At the same time, there clearly is much to be gained from the sense of support that a good group can provide. Groups also show the addict that he/she is not as unique as he thought, and that his unhealthy way of visualizing his place in the world is a trait common to other addicts. Some addicts will learn the patterns of addictive thinking and become better equipped to handle their own addictive thoughts.
-What is the value of the 4th through 6th steps of a 12-step program, where the addict specifically addresses his/her character defects and asks for their removal by a higher power? Are these steps critical to the resolution of character defects?
These steps are necessary for addicts in ‘sober recovery’, as the obsession to use will come and go to varying degrees over time depending on the individual and his/her stress level. But for a person taking Suboxone I see the steps as valuable, but not essential.
The use of Suboxone has caused some problems for traditional treatment of opioid dependence, and so many practitioners in traditional AODA treatment programs see Suboxone as at best a mixed blessing. Desperation is often required to open the addict’s mind to change, and desperation is harder to achieve when an addict has the option to leave treatment and find a practitioner who will prescribe Suboxone. Suboxone is sometimes used ‘on the street’ by addicts who want to take time off from addiction without committing to long term sobriety. Suboxone itself can be abused for short periods of time, until tolerance develops to the drug. Snorting Suboxone reportedly results in a faster time of onset, without allowing the absorption of the naloxone that prevents intravenous use. Finally, the remission model of Suboxone use implies long term use of the drug. Chronic use of any opioid, including Suboxone, has the potential for negative effects on testosterone levels and sexual function, and the use of Suboxone is complicated when surgery is necessary. Short- or moderate-term use of Suboxone raises a host of additional questions, including how to convert from drug-induced remission, without desperation, to sober recovery, which often requires desperation.
Time will tell whether or not Suboxone will work with traditional recovery, or whether there will continue to be two distinct options that are in some ways at odds with each other. The good news is that treatment of opioid addiction has proven to be profitable for at least one pharmaceutical company, and such success will surely invite a great deal of research into addiction treatment. At one time we had two or three treatment options for hypertension, including a drug called reserpine that would never be used for similar indications today. Some day we will likely look back on Suboxone as the beginning of new age of addiction treatment. But for now, the treatment community would be best served by recognizing each other’s strengths, rather than pointing out weaknesses.

How 'Bout Them Packers?!!

How About Them Packers?
NFC Division Champions 2011

The last time the Packers were in the Super Bowl, in the mid-1990’s, I didn’t go; I was in my30’s and I figured I’d go another time. Now I’m in my 50’s. The way things go, the Pack may never get there again in my lifetime.
On the other hand, I don’t have a couple grand laying around. And we are talking about a 3-hour game. I don’t drink or use drugs, so I won’t have any drug-fueled, strobe-lit parties to try to remember (or headaches to try to forget!).
I suppose I could start a fund– send Junig to the SuperBowl to fight addiction! Think it would fly?
I don”t have any ideas for twisting this around to a lesson about addiction… except to encourage everyone to find something in life that you are passionate about.

Merry Christmas!

Best wishes to everyone for the holiday season! Merry Christmas
I am not a big Christmas person. I’m not sure when things changed; I used to enjoy the season much more… I remember past days when I would gaze at the tree and feel a warmth from memories of being a kid, sitting in church, feeling safe and loved. Now it is so hard to let go of the worries over bills, fears about the health of older family members, concern about the economy…. it seems that there is so much to worry about!
But at the same time, there is nothing that I can do about most of those things. So why worry? Worrying makes me feel, I suppose, that I have some power over things that in reality I am powerless over. It is all a big ruse– the worry is only there to fool me… and keep me miserable at the same time!
That is were ‘Faith’ comes in. I am no expert on Faith by any means, but there was a time in my life where I at least understood what Faith was all about. Funny enough, that time was when I was at my absolute lowest– when I had lost my career, when I feared losing my family, and when my finances were in shambles. I remember being a a choice point, knowing that I had to decide whether to believe or whether to wallow in despair. I don’t even know what it was that I had to believe in; I suppose most people would expect that I’m talking about believing in God, and maybe that is what I’m talking about. But it was also belief in life, and in optimism, and in choosing to let go of fear and despair.
So that is where I am on this Christmas Eve. I have fears about the future– about many things involving myself, my family, and the world. I have resentments from past arguments, and shameful feelings for mistakes that I have made over the years. But I’m going to use this moment to remind myself of the Faith that I have had before– the Faith that I know can turn an average, busy day into a day of meaning and deep joy.
I hope that all of you can find that place as well, even if only for a moment. If you find it, try to stay there for as long as you can. I really can’t think of a downside.